A new boss was appointed to a company that was losing money and going downhill fast. The board of directors instructed him to find out what was going wrong and put it right as quickly as possible. On his first morning, he made a tour of inspection of the plant. He asked the first man he came to, 'What do you do around here?'

'Nothing,' said the fellow.

The boss put the same question to the next worker he met and received the same reply: 'Nothing!'

'Just as I thought,' remarked the new boss. 'Too much duplication!'

 

'No, I'm not a religious man,' said the company manager. The Bible doesn't make sense. For instance, it says that the meek shall inherit the earth.'

'What's wrong with that?' asked his assistant.

'If that happens,' said the boss, 'who's going to collect the outstanding debts?'
 

 The boss had been away on business for several days. Shortly after he returned home, the telephone rang one evening. He answered it and then hung up. 'Who was that, dear?' asked his wife.

'It was a wrong number,' said the boss. 'Some fellow wanted to know if the coast was clear so I put him on to the Meteorological Office.'

 

This account is now nine months overdue!' said the boss of an industrial raw materials supply company on the phone to the managing director of a large engineering firm.

'I wrote to you personally over a month ago and you've never even answered my letter!' 'I never got your letter,' said the managing director. 'And, besides, I didn't like some of the things you said in it!'


 

The boss of a large company was frantic. He and his partner were the only ones who knew the combination to the office safe; he had forgotten it and his partner was away on a six-week cruise and couldn't be reached. At the end of the fourth week, his partner called him from Singapore. 'Thank God you called!' said the boss. 'I forgot the combination to the safe! We've done no business for weeks! I've had to lay people off, the sales force is sitting around doing nothing - and I'm even having to turn down orders from some of our biggest customers!'

'But it's so easy,' said his partner. 'You just turn once to the right and twice to the left.'

'But what about the combination?' yelled the boss. 'I can't remember the numbers!'

'The numbers don't matter,' said his partner. 'The lock's broken anyway.'

The chairman of a large company discovered that the office boy had been pilfering from the petty cash. The managing director was all in favour of calling in the police, but the chairman took a more enlightened view. 'Let us remember,' he said, 'that we began in a small way ourselves.'

 

The chief buyer of a large London fashion house went into JL her boss's office to ask for a raise. 'Impossible!' said the boss. Ttn already paying you more than any of the male executives and most of them have a wife and several children to support.'

'I was under the impression,' she said icily, 'that we got paid for what we produce at work — not what we produce at home.'


 

The boss called the office manager into his office and was closeted with him for several minutes. Then he called in the personnel manager and shortly after that, the sales manager. One by one, he summoned all the male executives and finally the office boy was called in. Looking at him sternly, the boss said, 'Have you been having an affair with my secretary?'

'No, sir!' stammered the office boy. 'Certainly not!' Obviously relieved, the boss said, 'Good! Now will you please go to her office and tell her she's fired!'


 

The new recruit to the typing pool asked the supervisor where the 'Ladies' was. 'Go through here to the General Office,' said the supervisor, 'and keep going until you see a red-haired young man who winks at you. Continue on through until you come to a hoarse voice that will say "Wow!", then turn right until you run into a low whistle arid you're there.'



 

The managing director of a large company had been invited to dinner by an old friend. His host, who was of a religious turn of mind, asked his guest if he would say grace. The boss was a little put out at this but he put his hands together and said, 'O Lord, we are in receipt of your kind favours of recent date for which we thank you. We trust that we may continue to merit your confidence and that we shall be able to look forward to receiving your esteemed blessings in the foreseeable future. Yours obediently. Amen.'



 

FIRST BOSS: 'How's business?'

SECOND BOSS: 'Pretty good! One of our men got a £50,000 order yesterday.'

FIRST BOSS: '£50,000! I don't believe it!'

SECOND BOSS: 'It's true! Look - here's the cancellation!'

 

The little office clerk crept meekly into the boss's office.

'Excuse me, sir,' he said. I'm sorry to bother you, but my wife told me that I had to ask you for a raise.'

'I see,' said the boss. 'All right - I'll ask my wife if I can give you one.'